That Dirt guy is nothing but trouble. 
Honestly, the best thing I can suggest is to try some on. Conte’s stocks Campy, Assless (aka Assos), Sugoi, Castelli, Giordanai and a few more. Bonzai has 2XU. The Bike Lane has Pearl Izumi and Sugoi and I think Garneau.
What works for me: Any Giordana except for Silverline. Castelli fits well, but I’ve had issues with durability. 2XU are VERY comfortable for me. Hincapie makes some great shorts, but I don’t know who sells them locally. If I find anyone, I’ll let you know. Assos are amazing, but WOW are they expensive… not that any of the others I’ve mentioned are cheap.
What doesn’t work for me: Pearl, Sugoi and Garneau do not work well.
As for speaking Italian: Nalini makes some wonderful shorts. Only one or two shops in the US stock them. All of those are on the left coast. I tried one pair ordering them from eBay, loved the way they fit, then had Conte’s special order a bunch for me.
The polite way for guys to try on shorts in a bike shop: buy a pair of those fancy-pants, under armor underwear. It is super thin so you get that “nothing comes between me and my Calvins” feel while having something come between you and your Calvins.
Is that more helpful?
Pete
PS: Happy Birthday.